Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year everyone!

Well, it has been a long while. Today is actually my third Blogiversary. I've been thinking a while about how to explain my absence. I know I could just say I've been busy and leave it at that but I think the truth is worth talking about. 

I have always been something of a worrier. After each of my first two babies, I suffered from heightened anxiety. Not badly enough to need medication... but close. I was pleasantly surprised that after my third baby was born last January I didn't really experience the same degree of postpartum anxiety that I had experienced before. The transition to having a third baby in the house went much smoother than I has expected. We were very lucky to have lots of help from family and friends and a baby who was a good eater and sleeper.

As the months went on, I found myself becoming increasingly tired. I felt like I was angry with the kids all the time and never had enough time in the day to get everything done. I felt like my life was a constant juggling act where I kept dropping the balls. It was always little things like forgetting to fill out a permission slip for my son's field trip, or getting to the check out at the grocery store and realizing I didn't have my wallet, or getting horrifically behind on the laundry but I felt increasingly frustrated with my inability to keep it together. 

My father-in-law had planned to move in with us in September. He is wonderful with the kids and I knew if I could just hang on until then, everything would get so much easier.  And I made it. And everything did get easier. But I soon realized that I didn't feel any better. In fact, I felt more unhappy then ever.

At that point, I fell apart. I started to question every decision I had ever made, especially the choice to have kids. I started to panic that I would feel unhappy and resentful for the rest of my life. I felt selfish, pathetic and exhausted. For the first time since I started knitting three years ago, I couldn't bring myself to pick up the needles. Instead of feeling the familiar anxiety that I had learned to live with, all I felt was hopelessness. 

I knew it was time to get medical help.  With counselling, medication, time and the love and support of my family, I now feel so much stronger than I have in years. I realize now that postpartum depression comes in many forms and this is the story of mine. This has been a hard time for all of us but I know we have come out a stronger and more cohesive family for it.

I am truly blessed to have a beautiful healthy family. I am thankful for them every day. I am so happy to be able to truly feel and appreciate the joy they bring to my life. And for the first time in a long time, I feel worthy of being my kids' mum. I feel ready to help them discover who they are and forge their own paths in this world.

I don't know if blogging will be a regular thing for me again or not. Many things in my life are still a work in progress - including my knitting! What I do know is that that the future looks bright. I am no longer fearful of what tomorrow has in store, in fact,  I look forward to it.

I hope that 2014 brings you health and happiness.

Cheers, Nikki


  1. Depression is really one of those things you can not understand until you have lived through it. PPDepression is so horrible because you miss out on the joy of your own children and just feel like a walking shell. So glad to hear you are feeling better, I hope 2014 will be a great year for you

  2. It is so good to hear from you, Nikki! You did the right thing for yourself and your family by getting help with your postpartum depression. I am glad that you are feeling better and stronger. You have such beautiful kids and I am sure that they love you as unconditionally as you love them. And that is all that matters in the end. Happy New Year to you & your family!

  3. Thank you for sharing. I happened upon your blog because of your Saroyan project page, but it was a double blessing for reading this post. I suffer from episodes of depression that have taken different forms over the years. I commend you for seeking help. You have a beautiful family!

  4. Wishing you all the best for 2014!